


All My Loving

by aehriginal



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-15 00:56:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8036023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aehriginal/pseuds/aehriginal
Summary: Can't promise that there won't be typos.





	All My Loving

**Author's Note:**

> Can't promise that there won't be typos.

I met him in high school.

He caught my eye the day he joined the track and field club. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. He was with his friend, leaning against the bleachers watching us warm up. I felt his eyes on my back and when I looked at him, he smiled at me. I remember really seeing those blue eyes that reminded me of skies, of seas, of unexplored oceans.

  
I never saw him after that. He never came back to the club and I didn’t really think much about it. Never felt that I had to look for him. He was just someone I saw once upon a time.

  
Except, I would never forget his eyes.

  
I could’ve been doing anything; my full concentration on that particular subject and just out of the blue, I would think of his eyes. I imagined being able to stare into his eyes and playing with his hair. But those thoughts left as quickly as they came.

  
It was only when I had a conversation with my friend where he was talking about his girlfriend and how they had been together since the start of high school that I said something that I would never be able to take back.

  
To my surprise, my friend didn’t seem bothered by the fact that I liked a boy. The only thing that bothered him was the fact that I wasn’t willing to tell him the name of the boy I liked. But how could I?

  
I didn’t know his name.

  
All I knew was the color of his eyes. How even after only seeing him once that I still remembered exactly how his hair fell, how his lips curved into a smile when I caught him staring. And maybe that's all I would ever know.

  
But I guess I spoke too soon because a week later, I met him.

  
He looked exactly how he did the last time I saw him. He was talking excitedly to his friends, his hand making gestures with every word he spoke.  
I felt my heart racing even though he was at the end of the hallway. Just the sight of him made me flush red. I couldn’t believe that I was acting like this. This has never happened to me before, I had never acted like this before. If I really liked someone, I would always tell them. I hated not telling them how I felt about them. What if something ever happened to them and I was never able to tell them \how I really felt about them?

  
But I couldn’t tell him.

  
Was it because he was a guy?

  
That couldn’t have been the case, I was sure about my sexuality. And there was absolutely nothing wrong with being bisexual. I knew that, so why couldn’t I just go and tell him?

_You’re scared he might be straight_.

So what if he was straight? I’d just be rejected, its not like I haven’t been rejected before.

_But you don’t just like him. You love him._

I placed my head on the cool door of my locker. Why was it that my thoughts made more sense than me?

  
I started talking to his friends and we because of that we started talking. He had a habit of running his hands through his hair whenever he got nervous. How he bit his lips to keep from laughing and how his blue eyes shone when the sunlight hit it.

  
I couldn’t get him out of my mind anymore. He was everywhere, I thought of him whenever I did anything. I knew I was in too deep. But I still couldn’t tell him.  
  
I started to write letters, which I knew that I would never give, I started avoiding him at school because it hurt me to talk to him. I told my friends that I was over him when I wasn’t. I couldn’t ever really be over him. I was so deep I this crush that I knew that I had no hope to see the sun.  
  
I decided to completely stop thinking about him. Maybe if I stopped that, maybe then I would forget about him completely. Maybe I would stop hurting.  
  
But it wasn’t easy to forget him. He was everywhere. A;ways in my field of vision, always laughing at something. And I kept thining what it would feel like to have im laugh at my jokes like that. To have his eyes look at me the same way I look at him. To make him slowly fall in love with me.  
  
I knew it was a long shot, but I had to try.  
  
I started with texting him. I had gotten his number when we met at a party a few months ago. But I never had the guts to message him.  
  
It was easy to talk to him. I wanted to be friends faster, so I started pushing the conversation so that he could help me out off sticky situations that I made up in my head and I tried to be over enthusiastic whenever I messaged him. But it was clear that it wasn’t working. His replies were short and to the point and sometimes he didn’t bother to message back. Leaving me in agony every time I clicked him message and saw that it was read.  
  
However, I still couldn’t talk to him without a screen keeping my emotions from spilling. So I avoided him in school. I watched him from afar. My cheeks burning and my stomach hurting every time I saw him.  
  
And then slowly, he started to be more responsive. He started replying in full sentences and sending me pictures that he thought were cool. Waving to me in school and continuing our conversations from text to real life.  
  
I didn’t know what brought about this change, but I didn’t mind the attention I was receiving. And every time he bumped into me or gave me a pat on the back, every time he made any kind of contact with me, I felt like my heart would collapse. I would go home and think about it for hours. Re living exactly how I felt. And all the painful butterfly feeling that I had turned into ones that made me want to smile.  
  
I imagined him telling me that he fell in love with me. I imagined me telling him that I loved him to and us being together and how I wanted to hold his hand when we walked. How I wanted to run my hands through his hair, how I wanted to kiss him on his forehead, his nose, his neck, his lips, how I wanted to hold him in my hands and rest my chin on his head and feel like I was holding the whole world in my hands.  
He was my whole world.

 

And then everything started changing.

  
He started talking to me about a girl from another school and how he felt like she was the one. And he would keep telling me how she was perfect and that something she did was cute. And it was easy to listen to him when he texted me because he didn’t see my expressions. It was harder when he told me in real life. I had to try hard to monitor my expressions and sometimes it was the hardest thing to do.

  
He must’ve noticed because he started talking to me less and less until we just stopped talking.  
  
And just like that, the friendship I had taken a year to grow, died.  
  
I heard from our mutual friends that he was dating her. And I would see him holding hands with her, whenever I saw him outside school. And I would think back to how I would imagine us together.  
  
I was in agony every time I thought of them together. I wished for them to break up then chided myself for being childish and telling myself that I should be happy that he was happy.  
  
And that was that. High school was over. I never saw him ever again. The only way I kept track of what was happening with him was through Facebook and he was still with her.  
  
\---------------------------------------------------

“You look like you haven’t been outside in ages” Sam, my younger brother, said as he placed the bag of groceries on my kitchen counter.  
  
I scratched my stubble and finished off my coffee, “I went out today to buy groceries”  
  
“Well, you must’ve either forgotten the groceries at the store or finished them off because there’s nothing inside the fridge” he walked towards me and placed a plate of sandwiches in front of me, “Eat up”.  
  
The sandwiches slowly started disappearing from the plate as I stuffed my mouth. Sam looked up from the paper he was reading with a smile on his face.  
  
“That’s better, but you do know that I can’t keep taking care of you like this, right?”  
  
“I can take care of myself” I said as I finished the last sandwich.  
  
Sam snorted, “Clearly” he said as he gestured towards my messy apartment.  
  
I sighed, “Why’d you come here Sammy? You never come here during weekdays”

“Our school’s having a reunion, and I think you should go”  
  
I let out a laugh, “I’m never going back to that dump”  
  
“C’mon. Do it for me. You’re always cooped up in this tiny apartment and you only ever go out to buy beer”  
  
I started moving towards my room, “I don’t want to hear this. I’m gonna take a shower”  
  
He was still waiting when I was out of the shower, he held out a suit and tie “Wear this”  
  
“First, I’m not going, and second” I looked at him with my eyebrow raised, “where did you get that from?”  
  
“Just wear it” he pushed it towards me.  
  
“Fine. Alright. I’ll go and I’ll even wear this stupid thing, but I’m leaving the moment I get uncomfortable”  
  
Sam smiled, “sure”  
  
And then we were out of my house.  
  
It was only when we were half way there that I realized that I would see _him_.  
  
The car moved to a halt and Sam looked at me, expectantly. All around us, cars were blaring their horns.  
I started the car again and we moved on.  
  
“What’s wrong?” and he must’ve seen the look on my face because he sighed, “It’s been 15 years Dean. He must be a hell of a guy if you still love him”  
  
“He is” I whispered. I could feel the familiar ache in my chest but I kept my eyes on the road and kept driving.  
  
As we neared the school, I composed myself. I would be alright, Sam was right. It’s been 15 years.  
  
When we reached, Sam told me to call him when I wanted him to come pick me up because he knew I would be too hammered to drive. I gave him my keys and then took a deep breath and walked back into the place full of heart ache and misery.  
  
\-------------------------------------------------

I stared at myself in the mirror. Today was the day.  
  
I put on my suit and tie and grabbed the bouquet of flowers I had bought the night before and walked down to my car.  
  
The hall was beautiful. It was filled with flowers and lace curtains. Everything was white and blue and delicate.  
  
“Dean!” he walked towards me, his arms pulling me into a hug, “glad you could make it!”  
  
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world” I lied. I wanted to be far away from here. I didn’t want to be here for this.  
  
It had been 3 months since I met Castiel during our reunion. He was still with his girlfriend from high school, his fiancé, and from today onwards, his wife.  
As the wedding started, I sat down on the chair and stared at him. Castiel’s were straight ahead, looking adoringly at his wife. And as everyone turned to watch the bride make her way to the front, I kept my eyes on him.  
  
Fifteen years had gone by and I had never been over him. Every time he spoke, I wanted him to speak forever. Every time we touched, I wanted him to keep touching me, I wanted it to last longer.  
  
As bride and groom stared lovingly into each other’s eyes, the preacher began his sermon, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony. Into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their pe-”  
  
I was on my feet. Everyone’s eyes flickered to me. What was I doing?  
  
I looked at everyone, my eyes finally landing on Castiel’s.  
  
“Um” I started, “I just have to leave now, I don’t have any reason to stop this wedding” my voice cracked. Yes you do.  
  
“So, yeah, um, I hope you have a lovely married life. I’m just gonna” I started moving, “leave, bye.”

  
And then I was out of the door before anyone could stop me.  
  
As the wooden doors closed behind me, I leaned against the doors and waited till the ceremony continued. I took a deep breath and tossed the bouquet of flowers I was still carrying into the trash.  
  
And as I walked outside and into the sunlight, I realized that tears were streaming down my face. I closed my eyes shut and said the one thing I wanted to say out loud for 15 years.  
  
“I love you Cas”.


End file.
